Today's Top Stories (Yawn)

The mystery of who the father of Anna Nicole's baby grows deeper: (source)
(Who the hell cares I mean really! She is illiterate and any person that claims to have anything to do with the money grubbing whore obviously has alot of problems! Hell, even her sister can't stand her!)

I LOVE GWEN STEFANI! (source)
(I just had to throw that out there! She's awesome in every way shape and form. Her husband is mega hot and there little Kingston is adorable too. I'm sad though because her new single "Wind it up" Sucks! She sounds like a yodeling robot in it!)

Tom and Katie set a wedding date of November 18th: (source)
(I can't think of anything to say because I think they are all crazy and as cute as little Suri is, the poor little thing is obviously part of Tom's Shinanigans because he makes her wear a man's toupee and I don't know why?)

It's Tuesday and you know what that means...

On Tuesday's we pick out the hottest of the hot from Adult Friend Finder dot com for your viewing pleasure. Once again these are guys that are in my area and boy am I glad! Check it out!

The reason this guy caught my eye because he has a burgundy feather boa and I'm not sure what he's doing but he looks like he's enjoying it. This means he likes a good time all the time.

This guy caught my eye because he graduated. I know this because he used his senior photo I like him too because he is a fan of David Hasselhoff as he has the same haircut! Do you know what all David Hasselhoff fans adore? Swimming and I'll just bet that he has an Iroc Camero too? How could any woman be lucky enough to land a guy with all this greatness! Damn too bad I'm taken.

And one more hottie for today's viewing pleasure...

I chose this guy because he like my high school colors "purple and gold," he's flexible so he must like to exercise and he like to watch television in bed which is my favorite thing to do on the weekends. The only thing I don't like about him is that he's an avid hunter because his user name is "luv2eatbeaver." I have never eaten beaver but I hear it tastes like fish or was the chicken? I don't know and really don't care.

Celebrity Look-A-Likes: Sheryl Crow -vs- Mackenzie Phillips -vs- Heidi Fleiss

One of my favorite sites Hollywood Rag is reporting this morning that Sheryl Crow is constantly being mistaken for the worlds most well known madame Heidi Fleiss. Poor Sheryl...she is very pretty and Heidi Fleiss well; she looks like exactly what she is "Rode Hard and Put Away Wet." I found someone that does bare more of a resemblance to Heidi then Sheryl does though. "Julie" from the popular 70's television series "One Day at a Time."

Clearly whoever is thinking there is any resemlence between Sheryl and either of these 2 women has either got severe brain damage or is high on lots of drugs. Sheryl is sophisticated and beautiful...Mackenzie is a recovering drug addict, daughter of Papa from the Mama's and the Papa's as well as 1/2 sister to Bijou Phillips and Heidi, well she is just gross.

UPDATE: I have taken it upon myself to find more pictures that resemble Heidi Fleiss more then Sheryl Crow ever could...I offer you exibit A:

I offer you plastic surgery gone wrong victim Hillary Duff

Ladies and Gentlemen I offer you exibit B:

Carly Simon of whom I don't dislike I just think she has a huge mouth like Heidi

And lastly I offer you exibit C:

This is the closest resemblence in my opinion except even this old horse is even cuter.

UPDATE AGAIN: And one more for good measure I offer you exibit D:

Nick Carter says Paris is a Dead Lay

I love Nick Carter solely because he is vendictive and has nothing but contempt for his ex-girlfriend/whore Paris Hilton. If I were him, I would too after that cunt spread around he beat her up. I don't know if he really did or not but bitch deserved to get her ass kicked and I'm glad it happened. I think Nick oughtta kick her ass now/again just because she said he did. After all, if your getting blamed for something you might as well do it right? I mean she is always getting called a slut so she goes out and screws everybody so that it's not a lie. Hell according to what he's saying below Paris sucks in bed too. Anyways...this is what Nick is saying now. I just love it. Ha Ha Ha Ha (Source)

CARTER: 'HILTON STUFFS TEDDY WITH CANNABIS'

BACKSTREET BOYS star NICK CARTER has slammed ex-girlfriend PARIS HILTON for being reliant on marijuana, and he insists she even resorted to stuffing her teddy bear with the drug when she travelled abroad.Earlier this month, (09OCT06) the socialite furiously denied being in possession of cannabis after British newspapers printed images of the socialite inadvertently displaying an incriminating sachet inside her bag. Her publicist maintained the bag merely contained tobacco. (See picture below) Carter says, "She relied heavily on drugs and drink to give her confidence in the bedroom and was more often than not too wasted to even perform."I lost count of the nights I had to pick her off the floor and drag her to bed passed out."If she was going overseas she'd cut a hole in her teddy and stuff it with cannabis. She had to have her own private stash with her at all times regardless of the consequences."

Homewrecking Slut Jolie Goes Out In Public With Bastard Child

Don't get me wrong because TMZ is one of my favorite gossip sites because they have embarrassing video 95% of the time which adds to the authenticity of the story and after all I don't believe shit till I see it but this story is something that pisses me off about all gossip sites.

This picture is on every fricking website and it says some thing stupid like, Angelina and Shiloh go out in public or baby shiloh has Angelina's famous pouty lips. This is BULLSHIT you stupid asses. ALL BABIES have pouty lips and who gives a fuck if they went out in public. I'm surprised there is no sites talking about the consistency, frequency and color of Shiloh's shit. Another thing is why do people worship these people so much. She's a fucking whore that slept with a married man and they had a bastard child. How many other celebrity couples have done the same thing and you don't see them on every website for everything they do. If you worship Jolie and Pitt then you suck too!

Harrison Ford Says "I'm Ready To Be Indiana Jones Again"

...and in this film the ancient artifact that they are looking for is his birth certificate! What gets me is that he's still going to have Sean Connery play his dad! Seriously look at the 2 of them. Sean is way hot for an old man. Harrison Ford is just way old looking! Source:

"We did three films that stay within the same block of time. We need to move on for artistic reasons and obvious physical reasons," Ford said at a news conference. "I feel fit to continue and bring the same physical action."
"Indiana Jones 4" has been in development for over a decade, but the production has recently gained momentum. Lucas has said he and Spielberg, who would direct, are working on a script, though no details have been disclosed.
Ford played Indiana Jones in 1981's "Raiders of the Lost Ark," 1984's "Temple of Doom" and 1989's "The Last Crusade." In the last film, Jones' father was played by
Sean Connery, who Ford said might also appear in the planned fourth feature.
"He's part of the emotional fabric of these films. I think there may be an opportunity, I believe that Sean is still willing and I'd be delighted if he joined us," said Ford.
Connery, who attended the Rome event last week, has said that no offer had been made.
Ford declined to provide details about a shooting schedule or film locations, adding that the directors were not yet finished with the script.
"I think it's a real opportunity to make a film as successful ... as the ones we've made before," he said.

Today's Top Stories (Yawn)

• Jessica Simpson says "I LOVE reading poetry!"

(I was shocked by this statement because I didn't know the bitch could read ANYthing!)

• Mike Tyson says he's interested in fighting women in the boxing ring.

(My guess would be because he is a shitty fighter and since he knows that the judges don't go for the biting thing, his last ditch effort to win a fight is to fight a woman)

Watching these fights is going to be about as exciting as seeing the new Rocky movie that's coming out. I think it's called Rocky 32 and it's about Sly Stallone fighting for a room with a view at the nursing home. I hear he goes all out beating an orderly with a cane when they try to change his diaper! I can't wait to see it! Woo Woo!

• When you are NEAR water, make sure your life vest is bullet proof!

(Evidently some stingrays are jealous of the Steve Irwin Killing stingray and are trying to one up it. Flying serial killer Stingrays definatly is a bigger story! There is video even!)

Pam Anderson Has Problems

...and I mean besides the fact that she is married to an inbred hillbilly. I found this picture on Hollywood Rag's Website. They were saying how she and her husband want to have kids. Then I look at the picture and thought...is that her rib? It's not though...it's like her implant slipped and is seeping, like a worm through her body. I don't know what the hell it is but I do know that she should probably be getting that shit checked out before she get's pregnant.

(I had to cut him out of the picture.

He is like walking Ipicac Syrup.

When I look at him it induces vomiting.)

One Legged Homeless Guy Update...

If you don't know what the hell I'm talking about then you need to read this story first so you are up to date...

After I went to all the trouble of sawing down my neighbors tree so I could have some logs, taking a backpack from a middle schooler when they were walking home from school (they don't cry as much as small children do) and stealing a shopping cart from an old woman in the grocery store parking lot; (I dumped her groceries on the ground, geez you think I'd keep those? Well, I kept the pudding cups because tapioca is my favorite!) I couldn't find him. I searched all over under the bridge at the interstate exit and he was no where to be found. I yelled "stinky, homeless, dirty, one legged guy" and got no response. I was sad about this because as you know I've been saving the half eaten TV dinner I found on the ground, in the alley, next to my neighbors trash for him. No worries though. He will still be able to enjoy this meal because I put it in the garage next to my boyfriends transmission parts so that it doesn't accidentally get thrown away. I am so thoughtful!

Hints From Famous Homemakers Thursday

I don't regularly read these things but my friend came across this article and shared it with me.

"When carving pumpkins, use an ice cream scoop to clean out the seeds."

Alright I was still listening at this point because that does sound like a good idea.

Then she told me the rest...

"Spinkle Cinnamon or Nutmeg inside your pumpkin so when the candle is burning it lets off a wonderful aroma."

This is the point when I explaimed "What the hell is Heloise talking about?" That is a stupid idea. Yes, everyone enjoys fresh aromas in their homes. It makes things more pleasant indeed. But has Heloise EVER watched a pumpkin burn? There is smoke that comes out of every oriface. They start to wilt from the excessive heat as well. Hense...that is why people keep lit candles on their front porch OUTDOORS! I don't feel the need to be disarming my smoke alarms all night long. Heloise must be a really mean, sadistic person that finds joy in making people irritated and deaf?

As far as putting the scented pumpkin on my porch...Why the hell would I do that? I don't think people would notice the aroma since it's outdoors unless I filled the pumpkin with cinnamon and or nutmeg and set it in the middle of a bonfire. Aside from that why would I be worried about what my front porch smells like? I suppose I'd be concerned if I were a serial murderer and had buried my victims in shallow graves all around or under my front porch. I'd be concerned if the neighbors dog took a big shit on my front porch. But I digress...if you think about it...I don't think people that have these type of odor issues really can read and if they did; I don't think they'd be reading hints from Heloise. They'd be reading things like how to change your identity or how to get away with murder or how to lie to your neighbors when they ask if you've seen their dog lately?

Question Of The Day: What Happened To Cameron Diaz?

When I saw this picture; I thought it was a picture of Cher after another face lift. Much to my dismay I found out it was Cameron Diaz. I am saddened by this because I adore Cameron due to her spunkiness. I love how she's always kicking someone's ass or stealing someone's camera. I would love to see her back to her old self post haste. Maybe Justin is keeping her up to late doing his SexyBack thing? Does anyone have any other ideas?

Photo Courtesy of Splash News

(Like you didn't know that by the Splash News Logo that's stamped on the photo right?)

What are they thinking news...

Folks this seriously pisses me off to no end. I can't believe that this is happening and I would think that other parents would be really pissed about it too. I found this article on MSNbc News.

Mass. grade school bans tag, other chase games
‘Accidents can happen,’ principal says to mixed reviews by parents

Officials at an elementary school south of Boston have banned kids from playing tag, touch football and any other unsupervised chase game during recess for fear they'll get hurt and hold the school liable. "Recess is a time when accidents can happen," said Willett Elementary School Principal Gaylene Heppe, who approved the ban.

Hey Gaylene...Recess is also a time when kids get rid of some built up energy and have fun you mindless twit. I would like to slap Gaylene's stupid ass!

Then it goes on to say...While there is no districtwide ban on contact sports during recess, local rules have been cropping up. Several school administrators around Attleboro, a city of about 45,000 residents, took aim at dodgeball a few years ago, saying it was exclusionary and dangerous. Modified versions now include softer balls and ways for children to re-enter the action. Where in the world do people get the idea that rules can be bent for them? Let's see hmmmm. Maybe when you get your ass called out on a game but get let back in because your sorry ass whined about it. Whatever happened to congratulating the winner? I guess it's ok these days to throw tantrums until you get your way.

and...A Willett parent, Celeste D'Elia, said her son feels safer because of the rule. "I've witnessed enough near collisions," she said.

Hey Celeste did your son also tell the news crew how you still wipe his ass for him after he shits and how he still sucks your tit every night at bedtime?

I guess that Celeste and Principal Gaylene don't drive either because and accident "might" happen. I will be sure to find out how excited my kids are tonight about reading a book at recess and maybe playing in the sandbox. Although sand might get in somebody's eyes so that will probably have to be stopped as well.

These people are fucking idiots and seriously need their asses kicked! There is nothing fun about being a kid anymore! Just take it all away why dont' you?

Heather Mills McCartney Is a Genius!

I don't normally comment about celebrity gossip. I just post pictures of the celebrities and make fun of them but today I see on all the headlines that now this money grubbing bitch is claiming that Paul McCartney was always high, drunk and physically abusive to her while they were married. It says on the UK Telegraph Website:

"On separate occasions he stabbed her in the arm with a broken wine glass, shoved her over a coffee table and grabbed her throat during a fight."

Clearly this is untrue because any high, drunk 75 year old man would not stab her with a broken wine glass, shove her over a coffee table or grab her by the throat. He would opt for pulling off her fake leg and clubbing her about the head neck and shoulders with it repeatedly. Any real abuser knows that blunt force trauma gets the point across more quickly and efficiently.

It also says: "When she realized that the marriage was “irretrievably broken down” in April this year, she was reduced to leaving the family home “crawling on her hands and knees while dragging her wheelchair, crutches and her personal possessions”.

Now that is something I would like to see. I'm not certain it's possible even. I think tonight I will experiment with the homeless one legged guy that lives under the bridge at the interstate exit. I am going to give him a shopping cart, 2 large logs and a backpack full of garbage and see how well he drags it around whilst crawling. I'm sure he'll be game when I offer him the half eaten TV dinner I found on the ground, in the alley next to my neighbors trash can.
I will keep you posted on my results.

It's Advice Column Wednesday

I have decided that on Wednesdays I'm going to find a random advice column and give advice to the person needing counsel. Here is the first post. I found this jewel on Ask Lynn at MSN. com:

Dear Lynn,
I dated a man for about four months… then we broke up for a few weeks and just recently got back together. Well, on our little break, he had a girlfriend who has ended up pregnant. Our relationship now is 100% better than it used to be, and I don’t want to leave him just because of this pregnancy. He has told me that he is going to help this girl with the baby and then try to fight for full custody. I decided I will back him up. I guess my question is: Is it wrong to kind of just shrug my shoulders and accept the fact that my now-boyfriend is having a baby and it’s not ours? I want to be with him... I just don’t know if what we are doing is the right thing!
-Hurting and Confused in Midland,Texas

Dear Hurting and Confused,
"Stupid, you, your boyfriend and the dumb slut he knocked up are!". You are meant for eachother. I could understand your being so "in love" after dating a long time but 4 months? C'mon! You must be ugly and desperate. I suggest you, him and the girlfriend all lock yourselves in a garage with a running vehicle. If the idea of a long nap is not appealing then have threesomes often. This will help when figuring out who he wants to really be with and at least this way you are still getting laid. Lastly you could go to adult friend finder.com and check out the hotties on there. On Tuesday's I post some of the hottest prime cuts on my site as well. This way I save you time of searching through all the others.
- Sincerely Cornelius -

Behold Suzanne Somers Ageless Beauty

Because of this picture I have decided to quit my job and immediately start marketing my own line of beauty products. Obviously all you have to do is mix together any conjunction of things that sound beautiful and healthy. People will buy it because they buy Suzanne's products and that shit obviously doesn't work! I give you this picture for proof!


Al Roker looks hotter then her in this picture and I never thought I'd say Al Roker looks hotter then anybody!

Adult Friend Finder Tuesday

If you say you've never done this then you are a liar! You go into the adult friend finder and say you are looking for someone in "insert location here" just to see if you know anyone that's desperately looking for love on a singles site. I do it occasionally just for fun. I usually only do it when the annoying pop up comes on because honestly I would never be able to remember the site names that I check out occasionally.

Here are the local area hotties I found today. Thank God I don't know them or I'd slit my wrists for being associated with such losers. I mean seriously check them out...

This guy lives in the same city as me! Nice. I wonder why he can't get a date on his own? We will call him Frankenstein because he is green and because I'm not being very creative right now. You can call him what you want but that is what I will refer to him as for future reference.

We will call this guy "The Over Achiever" because he has reached the highest level of NO NO NO ABSOLUTELY NOT in every category ever created. Is that a looney tunes shirt he is wearing? I am speechless and believe me that is a feat beyond all feats! WOW!

The next few are for reference for any man wanting to know methods of how to pick up chicks...

Lesson #1 :

When listing yourself as an eligible single; take a picture of just your arm. The ladies dig it! I would definately hook up with this guy solely on his arm tattoo but sadly I am not single. No other picture should matter right?

Lesson #2:

If you should choose to post a picture of more then your arm; ALWAYS choose a head shot that shows off that huge hickey on your neck. Nothing is sexier then hooking up with a guy with hickeys!

Lesson #3:

If arm shots and awkward hickey picture don't do the trick lay on a couch with no shirt on and look at the camera intensly as if your eyes are saying "Do ya think I'm sexy?" I call this guy Rod Stewart Sexy because he's not and neither is this guy.

If you are interested in any of these hot sexy guys you can check them out at adult friend finder.com. I'm sure the site is going to go down now because so many of you are going to be hitting it at the same time now and their server will crash.

Diddy - I know why he's not ready for marriage

It's not a matter of wanting to get married it's a matter of being allowed to be married. "Kim" clearly appears to be man and same sex marriages are not embraced in the US like they are in the UK.

Personally I think Diddy (or whatever the fuck his name is this week) is a pompous ass. I'm not sure I spelled that right and I really don't care if I did. My point is made whether the spelling is right or not. I have gone round and round with Puff Dicky lovers about this. I will respect the mother fucker when he...

• No longer has someone else hold his umbrella
• Writes music that doesn't use someone elses' riffs
• Makes his mother stop looking like a ridiculous ass clown!

Have you watched his "making the shitty band" show. How he acts is ridiculous. I wish his cocky holier then thou ass would be "insert word here" by a "insert word here" and he would have to wear a diaper for the rest of his life. Maybe he could be a Walmart Door Greeter then and see how his umbrella holder guy feels. Hey Dicky...I think you'd be able to get a discount on some wigs for your mom too if you worked there.