Today's Top Stories (Yawn)

• Jessica Simpson says "I LOVE reading poetry!"

(I was shocked by this statement because I didn't know the bitch could read ANYthing!)

• Mike Tyson says he's interested in fighting women in the boxing ring.

(My guess would be because he is a shitty fighter and since he knows that the judges don't go for the biting thing, his last ditch effort to win a fight is to fight a woman)

Watching these fights is going to be about as exciting as seeing the new Rocky movie that's coming out. I think it's called Rocky 32 and it's about Sly Stallone fighting for a room with a view at the nursing home. I hear he goes all out beating an orderly with a cane when they try to change his diaper! I can't wait to see it! Woo Woo!

• When you are NEAR water, make sure your life vest is bullet proof!

(Evidently some stingrays are jealous of the Steve Irwin Killing stingray and are trying to one up it. Flying serial killer Stingrays definatly is a bigger story! There is video even!)